Help your children make wise choices

Steps for showing your children the great and good things that are within their reach.

FROM THE TIME our children are in preschool they are encouraged to make good choices. They are taught to stop and think and consider their options: When someone keeps teasing me, should I hit or say stop? When things don’t go my way, should I make a scene or quietly accept my disappointment? It takes lots of practice, setbacks, and even a few time-outs before the good choices become obvious and desired. In the process our children learn that choices have consequences and that there is good reason certain choices are labeled bad: Namely in the end, they make us feel bad.

Distinguishing between these simple rights and wrongs is a very important first step in our children’s moral development and long-term happiness. But as our children mature and their lives become more complicated, the choices they face are much more nuanced and not easily labeled simply good or bad. What may be a good choice for one child may not be for another. When it comes to choosing friends, schools, or career paths, for example, each child must weigh and measure their options more carefully—at least, that is what we parents hope our children do.


All things considered

Just as when they were very young, we want our children to consider how their choices will make them feel—only as they grow older we hope they look through a longer lens. When they are about to post that provocative picture on Instagram, will they consider not only how the choice will make them feel now but five years from now? Is this a photo that they would want their future coach, boss, or spouse to see? And just how are they to explain to the college recruiter the blog they created called “School stinks”?

We also want them to think about how their choices will affect others: “Wow! I can’t pass up this chance to go to the ball game, but what about the commitment I made to visit Granny Nell? How will she feel if I cancel my plans with her?” Finally as people of faith, we want to make sure that our children factor God into their decisions. Will their choices be motivated by a desire to please God? Will they strive to make choices that will help them live up to their potential and use their gifts and talents not only for their own sense of satisfaction but also to make the world a better place?

Sifting and sorting our many options to determine our best course—which is by definition God’s will for us—is what those in vocation circles call the process of discernment. Learning the art of discernment will go a long way in helping our children make wise choices. Our role as Catholic parents is to help facilitate that process by promoting what Pope John Paul II called a “culture of vocation” within our families. “Be close to your children,” John Paul II advised parents in his 2000 Message for the World Day of Prayer for Vocations. “Do not leave them alone when they are faced with the weighty decisions of adolescence and youth. . . . Guide them towards that genuine happiness that belongs to the spirit.”

Get the conversation started

So where do we begin to help our children understand the great and good things that are theirs for the choosing? It starts in conversation with God—better known as prayer. Teach your children to turn to God for wisdom—and make sure to do so yourself. Remind them each day to bring their worries and concerns to God and express their gratitude for the blessings they’ve been given. Teach them to recognize and set aside their fears and be open to God’s will. Help them to understand that God loves them and wants them to have joy-filled lives. As your children develop an active prayer life and build their relationship with God, they will gain insight and understanding of who they are and how they can best give glory to God. “When a soul is intent on God,” says Saint John Chrysostom, “God’s inextinguishable light shines into it and makes it bright and clear.”

Take your time

Of course, all this pondering and circumspection takes time. And that’s O.K. There is a reason for the buyer’s-remorse clause in real-estate contracts that gives people a chance to reconsider the purchase: Big decisions carry big consequences. We need time to weigh our options and make lists of pros and cons and advantages and disadvantages to the choices we are considering.

That is not to say that we expect every child to follow the same course. In fact, it is important for our children to realize that they must determine their own unique path—the path that God is calling them to take. Assure them that seeking the advice and considering the opinions of others does not mean they are locked in to following someone else’s direction; it simply means that they are willing to make an informed decision. As parents we can invite our children to explore avenues they might not have considered—the road less traveled, the longshot, the impossible dream, but above all, the way of Jesus. Such an invitation could lead to the next Pulitzer novelist, Nobel Prize winner, or most admired person in the world or, no less significant, on the street where you live.

Tap into your riches

Fortunately for Catholics we have a rich “deposit of faith” handed down through the ages that we can tap into for guidance, enlightenment, and fresh ideas—what’s old is new again for every generation. We can draw on the vast array of writings and teachings of the church: from scripture, tradition, the saints and doctors of the church, contemporary theologians and spiritual writers, and Vatican documents, such as encyclicals, apostolic letters, bishops’ statements, and even papal tweets and Facebook posts. Encourage your children to avail themselves of these resources. Make sure to have a Bible in the house, or send them a link to www.usccb.org/bible for the New American Bible online. Sign them up to receive daily Catholic reflections, such as Take Five for Faith, and turn them on to the works of such influential Catholic thinkers as Thomas Aquinas, Augustine, Teresa of Ávila, Thérèse of Lisieux, and Thomas Merton. They will be amazed and inspired by how human and radical these spiritual giants were.

Throughout their lives, your children will be pressured to be concerned about money, power, fame, and sex. Help them to distinguish the difference between seeking reasonable financial security, professional success, and intimate relationships built on trust and mutual respect, and simply accumulating wealth, titles, and notches on their belts—and keep those distinctions in mind yourself! Remember what is most important in life: family, friends, and sharing your gifts in service to others for God's sake. Show your children how to savor the simple joys God gives us, such as those outlined by Pope Paul VI: “The elating joy of existence and of life; the joy of chaste and sanctified love; the peaceful joy of nature and silence; the sometimes austere joy of work well done; the joy and satisfaction of duty performed; the transparent joy of purity, service and sharing; the demanding joy of sacrifice” (Gaudete in Domino).

Related articles on the VISION Vocation Network

Make no little plans

Four steps to hearing your call

The three keys to successful vocation decisions

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